Parenting Yourself!

Guest post by Sue Sadana

We have all heard that “power can be intoxicating”. That is what can sometimes happen with parenting. When our children are little we are like dictators. These little ones answer our beck and call and in most cases follow along on our schedule of tasks without much or any resistance. So we automatically assume that as the years go on they will continue to behave this way. But soon they are growing into their own people and for most of that, it is hard to understand that they may have ideas, thoughts, or a schedule of their own that do not necessarily align with ours. And as their resistance starts we try harder and harder to maintain the same level of control by instilling more rules and threatening to take away some of their earned privileges so they continue to follow along.  This is where the conflict begins and it usually happens around the teenage years.

They are beginning to have a social circle of their own and developing interests that may not necessarily match yours. Parents will usually say that it is my job to get them to adulthood. But sometimes we forget that all jobs need to be re-evaluated at certain points. Whether it means asking for a promotion, getting some more education, or having a strategy meeting to ensure that you will be meeting your goals for the next year is important. Otherwise, stagnation happens and you become miserable and the joy is actually sucked out of your life.

I think the hardest thing for most parents to cope with is that the children are beginning to have a life on their own and in some way the parents feel alone and abandoned. Desperation will definitely change your behavior and it will sometimes feel like every interaction with your “little angels” just drains you.

So this is where it is time to take a step back and as I like to say start parenting yourself. Especially with social media on the rise. There is no way we can compete and instead of becoming an ally, we become an enemy of the state so to speak.

1. Let them sit and think.

And when an issue comes up such as they break one of your cardinal rules don’t jump on them right away. From my experience, if you create some space they will soon begin to fill it up as they really cannot predict all the outcomes of undesirable behavior. Usually, if you let them sit and think on their own they will come to you. No one likes to hear “no” or “you are doing it wrong”. This includes yourself!

2. Remember to give yourself boundaries.

By boundaries, I mean knowing what is your place and what isn’t. Don’t sneak around and try to pry into something that they may not be ready to talk to you about yet. Keep conversations light. If you need to say anything let them know that your door is always open and you are not there to judge but to assist.

3. Remember to give yourself some extracurriculars as well.

By this I mean have a hobby or interest of your own. Your children know you as well as you know them and they also know when you have nothing really going on. Your children cannot really be your only hobby. Let me tell you why.

There is a big bad world out there and you want them to experience as much as they can. The one thing you don’t want to teach anyone is that the day they have children they stop having fun/life. Also, this will make your children feel guilty about starting their own life and maybe cause them to miss an opportunity that would teach them how to live their best life ever. Also, along with this, as they get older you become more of a hindrance/weight around their neck and in some cases, this will cause them to rebel. Then all you will be left with is a whole bunch of heartaches.

4. Don’t lie especially to yourself.

If you lie and happen to get caught; own it! Follow through with the natural consequence on yourself. It will actually make you more relatable. Don’t gloss over it and think it will disappear. And most of all don’t lie. Because your own guilt is something they can pick up on and use against you. Remember, they have also been watching your every move over their lifespan and they know you as well as you know yourself. And yes they have ears and their own sixth sense, so don’t say anything about them that you wouldn’t necessarily say to them.

5. You are responsible, but…

Yes, you are responsible in a matter of speaking for your children and they represent your family in a matter of sorts. Remember the world is a lot more accommodating than you are. So if someone is doing something wrong or inappropriate let them know. Yes, but first take a minute to make sure it is not just something that you don’t like or do but other people you know don’t like. Remember they will develop a taste of their own and that includes fashion, music, arts, and their social circle.

6. Show them.

If you want help be a helper; Need a friend to be a friend; If you want something goes after it! Otherwise, all you really are is a dictator and that just creates resentment.

7. Start handling the problems in your life.

Whether it is with your parents or spouse. Don’t just talk about them. Because then quickly you become a person in their lives that is all talk and no action and this puts you way down on their network list. You need to become someone that begins to live a life based on solutions. So when your child comes up to you and says they want to drop out of university you don’t have to get defensive. Tell them how much money has been wasted. What will they do with no education, etc. You need to quickly respond with what other great ideas are you having and begin to open a dialogue. Maybe throwing out some other crazy ideas like opening a business or joining Habitat for Humanity for a couple of months to regroup. Just like you want to make your own decisions so do your children. So please create a space to do so.

8. Problems are the first steps to change.

Life is full of them which in my mind is what keeps it exciting. Do not spend the rest of the month depressed because you feel like some sort of failure. Trying to make it out like this is about you when it really isn’t about you at all. Know your Place is what I like to call it. And don’t say “I told you so” and if you are tempted try to think back to when your parents said it to you-what did you do? You just tried to get farther and farther away from them.

9. Be Spirited and Fun.

No one wants to hang out with a negative Nellie. I like to pick new words every so often to interchange with a traditional ones. Such as when someone asks me how my day was I say Awesome, Superfluous, Fantastic, or Lit.

I find it reduces some tension when my children hear me using some of the new slang of today and they also enjoy that it takes me several tries to use it in the right context. Not only does this add humor but it also demonstrates some level of creativity and definitely can cut tension like a knife. It also challenges a better response. Because if going to the grocery store for the third time this week and getting a sale on asparagus was superfluous they may be more inclined to answer the “how was your day/school” question with a little more than fine or good. “Fine” and “good” are two of the most overused words when teenagers are speaking to their parents. And the reason for this is that we all want a little more detail.

10. You raised them and if you did your best you have to trust them.

No one is perfect and they will make mistakes just like you. They have their own social group and it is made up of all different types of people. Some are good and some are not so good. But if you don’t trust them or yourself then the newsflash is that it chips away at both of your self-esteem. Then any interaction you have with each other is going to come from a place of feeling not good enough. And the result of too many of these types of interactions will cause them to want to run away from doing anything with you and run towards someone with whom they feel more confident. No one wants to hang out with the person who keeps telling them they are doing everything wrong but still loves them. Just like you, they are doing everything as right as they can.

11. Have self-respect.

It is such a little world but has such giant implications. Even a little child knows when they are not being respected and will act out and the cycle of disrespect continues. Most of all have self-respect. Do not let people take advantage of you, especially your children.

The lesson you think they learn by being their personal service is not the one you are trying to teach. You are basically teaching them that you are their personal servant and that no matter what your career is when you have children you become a servant. This can also be a double-edged sword. How many people tell you that they learned how to be successful in life from their servant? It may also deter them to have children because they enjoy the career they are in right now. And if you are a little selfish like me you WANT grandchildren to spoil. You are not trying to outshine them and teach them that you are the only one that knows better! (even sometimes you do. lol)

There are so many ways to keep everyone happy without losing your self-respect. The first thing to know is that not everyone gets everything they want. Life is about compromise. We have to learn together because we share the world with 7 billion other people. We are not good at everything and we will need help from others throughout our lives. An over-the-top example of this is that you don’t want to build your own house from scratch because 1. You don’t even know how to chop down a tree. You want to do what you know and then just buy a house from someone that is good at building one. Remember someone can only respect you if You respect yourself!

12. Life just happens.

If someone is testy it may have very little to do with you. So don’t take everything personally. You know what you need to do, so just focus on doing it. The minute you start blaming others you change how you react to situations and you may not be handling things the best way you know how.

13. Don’t Blame or should I say, B Lame!

Life is full of problems. It isn’t so much about the problem it is more about what are you going to do about it! Blaming just leads to a whole bunch of inactivity and distraction from figuring out solutions. It is time to take control of your life. Don’t pass the buck so the only thing you can think of to do is sit and stew and wait to react to your environment and the people in it. Trust me. Your kids will thank you because you have just given them another tool to put in their proverbial toolbox. It is this that they carry with them when they leave your nest and find their own place in the world!

These are just some guidelines to help you navigate your way through the ever-changing JOURNEY of parenting!