Building Foundations for Meaningful Conversations

​How was your day?  It’s the age-old question that we’ve either asked or been asked and the answer is often uninspiring.  Tell me if these answers sound familiar: “Fine.  Good.  Ok.  Meh.”  The conversations end there and you’re left wanting for more, especially if you are the one doing the asking.  Whether this applies to your child or spouse, what we really want when we ask that question is to get a sense of their thoughts and feelings, and to share a piece of the events that occurred over the course of their day.   Sometimes, we might be skilled at getting a deeper answer but for the most part, this question simply doesn’t invite more and we disappear to get on with the rest of our day (i.e. homework, raiding the fridge, TV time, you name it).  If you are struggling to have some meaningful conversation with your family, consider changing the way you ask “How was your day?”

We know when someone is not listening and then we end up clamming up (i.e. asking this question while cooking dinner is probably not the best idea).   So be present and ready to listen with all your attention.

Even if you get away from asking “How’s your Day”, make sure you do add diversity to your questions from time to time.  Otherwise, you’re back to square one with the standard answers.  Perhaps you can relate, even before you’ve asked, the person has said “fine”.  Changing the questions stimulates the person you’re asking to pay attention and can pique interest in engaging in dialogue with you.

Not all conversations have to be serious.  Injecting some funny questions or just talking about fun things in the day can take the pressure off of sharing and make the conversation more spontaneous.  It can also throw the person off-guard in a good way.  If all conversations were serious and about doing better or accomplishing something, conversations would fizzle out.

Questions beginning with a why even if it’s to probe deeper tend to put people on the defensive.  It makes people feel like they have to explain themselves to another person and it can lead to a person shutting down.  Opt for the other “Ws” (Who, what, where, when) and an “H” (How).  Consider the following example:
Why do you like butterflies?  Vs. What is it you like about butterflies? It’s subtle but makes a huge difference in how the person receives and responds to the question.

Unless you are being asked for your opinion, leave your judgments, your assessments of the situation, and your ideas for solutions to the innermost corners of your mind.  Instead, validate the other person’s experience and feelings since this is what is “true” to them.  Truth is relative and before you offer anything to the other person other than your empathy, consider this: am I REALLY being supportive to the other person, and is it really THAT important that I have to say what I want to say?

1. Who had the most interesting outfit/hairstyle today?
2. What did you learn about today?  (If your child mentions more than one thing, pick one of those things and follow up with “Tell me more!”)
3. How would you rate your day today from 1-10, with ten being the most awesome day ever?  What made it an (insert number)?
4. What was a nice thing that someone did for you today?  Follow up with “What was something nice that you did for someone else”?

For some more ideas, visit these links:
https://www.famifi.com/22131/23-questions-to-ask-instead-of-how-was-your-day-at-school
https://www.universitas.ca/en/universitas-blog/20-ways-to-ask-how-was-your-day/
https://www.parent.com/30-questions-to-ask-your-kid-instead-of-how-was-your-day/

1. If your day today was a movie, what movie would it be?
2. If your day had a theme song, what song would it be today?
3. What are three things that you notice as you walk down the halls?
4. Which class do you find the most interesting?  (Remember this and follow up with questions relating to that class from time to time; you can also follow up with, what did you cover in ____ class today)
5. If there was one thing that you could change about your day, what would it be?
6. Tell me one question that you had today, even if it wasn’t answered… actually, especially if it wasn’t answered…

For some more ideas, visit these links
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/liz-evans/28-ways-to-ask-your-teens-how-was-school-today-without-asking-them-how-was-school-today_b_5751546.html
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​​https://www.care.com/c/stories/778/100-questions-to-get-to-know-your-teenager/ – This one isn’t framed around the question how was your day but you may be able to weave some of these ideas to fit

​ Better questions to ask other than “How’s Your Day” to your Partner/Spouse

1. What was the most interesting part of your day today?
2. What was the most challenging part of your day today?
3. Have you seen anything today that made you think of me?  (I really like this one because you can connect some of that loving feeling especially when you have kids!)
4. If money were no issue, what would you like to be doing right now?
5. What adventures would you like to have next?
6. What was the funniest thing you saw/heard today?
7.  If you could describe your day in 1-2 words, what would it be?
8. What would make the last part of this day awesome and how can I help make that happen?

For more ideas, visit these links.
https://www.parent.com/21-questions-to-ask-your-spouse-instead-of-how-was-your-day-after-work/
https://www.famifi.com/28422/13-questions-to-ask-your-honey-besides-how-was-your-day
https://www.thisgrandmaisfun.com/fun-questions-ask-hubby-besides-day/ – This link says hubby but the questions are still appropriate for whoever your partner in life is
https://projecthotmess.com/questions-to-ask-your-husband/ – Similar to before, very applicable to whoever your partner in life is

​​General All-rounders:
http://www.katemccombs.com/howwasyourday/
https://www.edutopia.org/blog/parents-fifteen-questions-replace-how-was-school-today-elena-aguilar
http://schoolmum.net/parenting/50-questions-ask-kids-instead-day/